I promised myself in January that I would publish more personal posts this year, but despite going through some very difficult stuff since 2019 started, I haven’t written a peep about myself. It’s most because sharing failures online is extremely difficult, and partially because I don’t want to feel like I’ve overtaxed my “complaints” quota for the year. However, I’ve come back around to this idea because I think sharing our struggles and failures might encourage other people in the same boat. And while it might not be relevant to travel, it’s part of my story, for better or worse.
So, here goes.
Surprise- Your Dream Job Isn’t Happening
In January, I was working as a contract research analyst, and my contract was ending in February. However, I was assured that my position would turn into a full-time position, as my boss was leaving, and they needed someone to man the helm of my project. I was extremely excited. This was everything I had wanted. It let me keep doing research, while also developing skill sets that are valued outside of academia.
Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t to be. Less than a week before my contract was up I was informed that no money had been set aside to hire me. I felt like I was dealing with a bad breakup… the sense of hope and excitement that I felt at the very beginning of the New Year still haunts me when I consider where I am now. I needed to mourn, and honestly, still am. But at the same time, I put myself through some emotional hell in order to put in a last ditch efforts to defend my post. I was hopeful out of desperation, but the headaches and restrained tears amounted to nothing.
It was over.
And I had gone from nearly having a dream job to having… nothing.
Ever since then, I have been submitting application after application. I’ve taken classes on how to apply better, reached out to my network, and I’ve poured my soul into cover letters. In two months, all it has amounted to is one interview, for which I was rejected.
My previous supervisors and professional network do their best to remind me that this is normal, and that all this is not a reflection of my quality as a researcher and professional. I know all the stats about finding a job by applying, and how key it is that you know someone where you are applying. But as much as I have worked on developing a professional network, no one I know has any leads. So, I can’t help but internalize all these rejections as failures.
At the same time, I must admit that I have committed the cardinal sin of comparing myself to other people. I feel lucky to even get a straight up rejection instead of being silently tossed in the trash, and interviews seem out of the question. Meanwhile, I see other grad students graduating and heading straight into great post-docs and academic positions. I’ve even seen people on a PhD job search support group say that finding a post-doc would be “so easy” for them. If everyone else can seemingly do it, what’s wrong with me?
An Imposter In Our Midst
Inevitably, this had led me to a place where I realize that I have developed imposter syndrome in many aspects of my life.
I earned my PhD in conservation biology, but I don’t feel like a scientist. Five years ago, I thought getting my PhD was impossible, and then I did it, but now I feel like this isn’t enough. I haven’t found a post-doc. I was never funded by NSF. I don’t have as many publications as other scholars. I don’t write and talk in stilted, science-speak.
I love hiking, but can I call myself a hiker? I don’t have the best gear. I can’t always force myself to go longer trips. I am slow. I get tired. Sometimes hiking even gives me a migraine.
I’ve been blogging for almost two decades, but can I apply the label, blogger? I don’t have tons of followers and readers. My social media accounts have stagnated in terms of growth. I don’t have the time to master SEO. I’m not charismatic enough to pull people in with my smile alone.
This undermines my confidence, and makes me feel like an outsider even in communities and spaces where I have spent a decade or more. When will I ever feel like I have earned these titles?
Probably never, unless I decide that I can claim them. I know it is easier said than done, and I don’t know where I will be in a few months or the end of this year. Will I feel like I am back on track towards the life I want to make for myself. Or will I feel more lost than ever? I can’t say. Rejection and imposter syndrome go hand-in-hand, and I don’t think I will escape the first any time soon.
So, I guess it’s just high time I start making the claims I know I deserve, whether or not I can believe it about myself yet. I am a scientist. I am a blogger and writer. I am an outdoors woman. I am an explorer.
I will let you all know how this leg of my journey goes.